10-8-19 It's been another rough start to the month; when will it be my time to catch a break? Really more of a continuation of what's been going on since little Dolly was diagnosed with liver shunt; it's all in some way connected. As mentioned last month we had the "oops" tie between Sunny and Hope. I hoped, and hoped that we would get lucky and she would not have gotten pregnant with that one tie. Truthfully though, I knew the odds were not in my favor given the timing of the tie and as it turned out Hope was indeed pregnant. We debated back and forth for a while about letting her have the litter or not, and in the end decided it was really not a good time to raise another litter. So with many tears being shed, Hope was spayed on Oct. 4, dissolving her pregnancy and what turned out to be 5 fetuses :( :( :( :( :( Hope came through the surgery fine. . . much better than I did; my heart was broken. With that done, all I can think of now is that for the moment rather than "living my dream", I feel as if I'm "living a nightmare". I have four Biewer Terriers in my home and not one of them can be a part of my breeding program. I am going to have to start from scratch. With all that's been going on, with the terrible saddness I have been feeling, the mixed feelings and/or guilt I feel having to dissolve that pregnancy, and now find homes for the Biewers I have, and the stress of it all, the thought of quitting all of it has been on my mind a lot. I can't help but wonder if all of this means that I should give up on this dream of mine. But, at the same time I think, no.......this is a big reason why I've been so anxious to be retired; so that I have more time to spend doing what I love. Maybe Hope getting pregnant and having to spay her, the fact that her daughter Jewel is a picky eater and not doing great in the show ring, are all reasons telling me it is time to bring in new lines. I felt all along that Hope was not the BEST representation of the breed (none are really) and often wished I had one with fewer color faults and slightly different structurally. So maybe this is all happening for that reason??? Whatever the case, for good or for bad, it has not been easy and I hope and pray things begin to turn around for the better soon. One spot of (hopefully) good news is that Kathy and I have chosen the new male that we will co-own to replace Gunner. He looks good in the pictures that his breeder Debarah Billings has been sharing with us as he matured, but we have not yet met him. Hopefully he will be coming home in the next couple of weeks. Not quite sure whether he will be here with me or staying with Kathy; depends on who will be showing him. That is another issue I am having; my lack of self esteem and confidence. With Jewel, I have been a total loser (don't mean it the way it sounds) in the show ring. We have not been able to win anything in the year I've been showing her; except the one BOS last July. We showed last weekend against four members of our group of friends and everyone won at least something points-wise except me.......again. As pretty as Jewel is, she is timid/hyper in the ring, rushes her walking stride, and unattentive to me and the judges. She does not eat well, and her sensitivity to the goings on at the show makes her to nervous to want treats, so there is no bait or toy that will hold her attention either. Point of this is, I'm almost afraid to take on showing our new boy. I feel like I will ruin our chances winning if I train/show him, AND/OR if I show a Windsong Biewer and lose (they have all been doing really well), then I will feel worse about myself than I already do. I am on the hunt for a new female, but at the same time need to rehome/sell the pups/dogs that I have to make room for new, so it may be a while before I can make that happen. I hate the thought of rehoming ALL of my Biewers, but I have to remind myself that as much as I love them and they love me, they deserve to be in a home where they will have a normal pet life with a family that can give them the one on one daily attention they crave. I feel a little more attached to Hope for some reason (maybe it's a little bit guilt right now), so I am not in a big hurry to rehome her. I still need to figure things out about Sunny and/or just have him neutered. Ann Schultz (his breeder) had asked a while back about using him for stud sometime next year. I have not yet told her about what has happened.....still need to get through that I guess before neutering him. Another show coming up this weekend, Oct. 12-13; it will be just Kathy and I with Biewers. She will have Gem so again I don't expect to win anyting, though I am showing Mia this weekend as well as Jewel. After that it is Orlando in December and then we start all over again next year.
SIGH. . . . . . . here's hoping and praying for a better and brighter future for Heartland Biewer Terriers.